Death Becomes Us

Death Becomes Us

29 August 2006

I am so overwhelmed by emotions right now. Last week it was about Ellen and the things going on in her life. Now it’s about death and everything surrounding me. I have been reading Tuesdays with Morrie since Saturday, and I should say, it’s not one I would recommend for someone who does not want to be confronted by unresolved issues. That, I think, is not the only source of my melancholy mood these days. I’ve been seeing House on DVD and well, it’s comedy as it is. But the characters, their issues and their relationships, they just make everything so interesting, in a melancholy kind of way.

Just this morning, an officemate shared to us that she received a phone call informing of her mother-in-law’s death. Another officemate, also shared about a niece she lost last week. Then there was Morrie, telling Mitch about how he is holding up with all the symptoms manifesting itself each day, about his eventual death and about the life that he was leaving.

Death, how do we conquer death? Or is it more of how does death conquer us. It’s really hard to tell considering that none of us here can tell how it really happens. We cannot tell the story of our own death but we experience death through the death of another; a friend, a lover, a parent, relative, a child, an icon, a total stranger. And each time, it arouses different emotions depending on how much emotional investment we have put into our relationship with the departed. And the more involved we are, be it negatively or positively, the more affected we are by that person’s demise.

How does one move on after experiencing death? A lot of ways, of course, but one can sum it up into two major categories: leave it or live it. One can leave the whole death experience by moving on, accepting the demise and getting on with ones life. To live it also involves the process of getting on with ones life, but not the part of moving on and accepting the demise.

Death can make or break relationships. There are those people so consumed about death that they try to mask it with a pile of workload hoping that doing so drives the pain away. For others it may involve relocating, getting a new job, meeting new acquaintances. For others, it’s just about not talking about it. The denial that one goes through of the feelings invoked by death changes the person.

Denial is good. It’s a way of coping things. It makes one get its bearing, like a deep breath before that plunge into the swimming pool or that silence before you start answering a test paper. It helps you clear your mind if only to concentrate with what is at hand. Lingering denial, however, is not acceptable. It’s like this pent-up emotion, waiting for the right opportunity for outburst. Either that or it becomes this numbness of a body part that one tries to live with apathetically.

Of course, different people, different ways, different pace. There is neither a quick fix nor a canned solution. But if one has to live and get the most out of life, it must rise above death.

It’s time.

Hang-ups, Expectations, Forgiveness

I was wrong about us the whole distance thing. But that’s okay. In fact, it’s great! I have been friends with Ellen for the longest time that I knew by those actuations that something was going on there. Never had I thought that it had something to do with my hasty marriage. Things had been blurry back then and I had to admit, there were just too many emotions, too many expectations plus the reality that there is no turning back for me, not a chance. Too many decisions and all I had was faith – faith that things will turn out right, faith that I was letting myself into the right situation, faith in the opportunities that was up for grabs, faith in events that were beyond my control, faith in people’s wider perspective of things. It was one of the most troublesome times in my life. And knowing me, not all too comfortable with having someone to share my burden, I took it all in not knowing that I was depriving others of the chance to really prove their friendship with me.

I’m sorry Len, for not giving you that opportunity to be a friend to me. It was not because I was afraid that you would judge me; it was more of the fact that I have been so used to being like this for the longest time that I felt it was the right thing to do then. It was not because I didn’t have faith in our friendship; it was more of me not having faith in myself anymore. I am just not the sharing type of girl.

I feel bad that it had to take a real tough situation for you to come out of it. To finally say it straight to my face, that you were hurt and you felt betrayed. And I had thought of a whole lot of reasons why you have not been answering my messages. And I have to find out just now that you changed your number. I also worried about you, wondered how you had been, but what can I really do about it. When someone does not want you in her life, what really can you do?

Hearing your voice on the other line, telling me you wanted to talk, to just give you thirty minutes, no expectations, I didn't know where to place myself. But I trusted the situtation, prayed that it will be worth our while and a reason to celebrate friendship. And there was us, just like those bonding days in college, talking. There was a barrage of information and feelings that left us not enough time to react to all. There was threshing of hurts and pain. There was no lashing, though, just a calm recount of the past. We cried, laughed, talked and listened. But the most important of all for me was there was forgiveness. And that is all that matters now.

There will be more trying times for us, more issues to settle, more hang-ups to let go. But I hope, that this time, when we deal with them, we will do it together. As friends should.

Walter Dreams: Freaky Wedding

Talked to Walter yesterday and he told me about his forthcoming wedding. They haven't settled on a date yet but they are looking into the 16th or the 23rd of December. Told him I'd like to come but constrained by the tight budget and schedule. Never a good idea to travel during peak seasons if you don't have enough time to spare.

The conversation might have done some weird things on my mind. Made me dream about making it to Walter's wedding at some cool island resort . I was there with Miki. When we arrived, Walter and I embraced. We had a very long hug... and we kissed... in the lips.... eeeeeewww! And all the time that we were kissing, I was thinking why we were doing it in the first place. There was not an ounce of romance in the kiss. Not even lust. Eeeeeewwww!

Anyways, the dream proceeded with me asking where Chiza was and it turned out that she walked out on him. He didn't tell Chiza who I was and instead told her that I was the wedding coordinator. Miki and I looked at each other wondering why. Then I woke up.

Too much television, again, I guess. Watched the second to the last episode of Glimore Girls Season 6 with Lorelai wanting to bail out of her forthcoming wedding with Luke. Mix that up with Walter and Chiza's wedding plans. Hay.... my mind gets more creative than usual. Might as well put it to good use!

Let Go, Don't Look Back

LET GO, DON’T LOOK BACK

1 August 2006

Talk about relationships and all that matters between you and your partner. I have been married for nearly three years now, in a relationship for eleven and despite all the love that I get from my partner, I still find myself longing for that something from someone out there. To be with that someone with whom I can connect and enjoy an easy conversation.

I remember those nights well and everything that transpired, the wind blowing, stars above and the tales that needed to be told. I remember not keeping track of time, of the world going into a morph with nothing else that matters but the moment. I remember it all.

It was not a one time thing, and somehow now I try to question myself why. When it was supposed to just die a natural death quietly as it came.

I have decided to let it go but I haven’t completely turned my back on it. Not yet, at least in the hope for answers, but then I guess, there is none. It’s just life taking its natural course.

It has to be over now. Stop looking back.

Breaking Free

BREAKING FREE

9 April 2006

I remember being angry at myself for allowing others to push me into doing things I didn’t want to do. I just didn’t have the guts to say “no” and fighting my position. Perhaps I was young, and I didn’t have the grasp of the concept of choice, or so I thought. I allowed myself to be coaxed at sex because I didn’t have the courage to tell my partner that I didn’t want it. I didn’t know how to verbalize my feelings and I was afraid that saying “no” would lead to a whole discussion of whys and I would just complicate things. Stupid huh? But I guess that is why they call love stupid. Makes you do things you don’t want to do for the fear of losing the other.

Last night, I said “no”. I had no regrets and it felt good.

New Beginnings

NEW BEGINNINGS

8 April 2006

Went out with Dennis, Notchka and Ellen last Thursday night. Didn’t tag miki along so we could save money. Decision proved quite right after I had to pay the bill of P200.00 for a plate of Seafood Marinara and Coco Bahamas smoothie at Blue Jays.

Things are different now. Whereas before, we talk about our assignments and projects, now we talk about our individual challenges in life. And I found out that there is really nothing much to say about mine. They are so accomplished in their professions that I can’t help but gape at how my friends have matured and deal with the serious stuff of life while I am trying to live my own. I didn’t feel a bit insecure. But it made me reassess my status in life. Where I am going vis-à-vis where I wanted to be years ago.

I believe in Pablo Coelho’s The Alchemist, that who we are have been predetermined but the journey towards that fated condition does not come easy for some. I believe that something big is in store for me. That everything I do is preparing me so as not to overwhelm me of the challenges that lie ahead. It will be a long wait I suppose. That is why I am learning everything that I can so I could move on. It will be a long journey. Hope it is worth the wait.

2 Minutes Too Late

2 MINUTES TOO LATE

4 April 2006

I had the weirdest dream last night. It was some sort of an Amazing Race meet Encantadia kind of dream. Funny how the mind can conjure such from ones memory bank. Can our dreams tell our personality?

We were in Bacolod this weekend, saw some relatives and fetched my son. As early as now, he has already shown his eccentricities – laughs excessively, very good at entertaining guests, easily bored, finds it difficult to stay in one place, does things at will. And the latest addition to the list, has a preference for aircon rooms.

I was late yesterday! As in two minutes late! Beat that! Coming from Bacolod always makes me groggy and yesterday was no exception. I was happy actually that my training sched falls on a Monday, then I wouldn’t have rush from the pier to the office just to beat the 8:00 am time in. And today was no exception. We made it home at around 8:00 am and I still had time to eat breakfast.

Obviously, I was late for my class. I arrived at the venue at around 9:00 and the class was already in session. We were supposed to try our hand with the assembly of the CPU but power went out and so our instructor sent us home early.

Coming back to the office, I still had time to do some stuff before going home for lunch. I hate it when I lack sleep. I was like walking oblivious to what was around me. It was like being in this state of time lag. Such moments pushes me to eat more as if the additional nourishment will take away the grogginess I feel.

Unlike any other Monday, I did the unthinkable. I slept after eating! Boz was asleep, the nanny was asleep, I asked Miki to wake me up 10 minutes to one. In his groggy state, he fell asleep too. And if Boz hadn’t moved, his hand landing on my face, I would have slept my way till two. I hurried to the office thinking that I still had ten minutes more to spare only to learn that I was already two minutes late! Beat that! Our wall clock was not telling the right time and I left my watch in the office. What are the odds!

Two minutes. If I hadn’t stopped to powder my face and combed my hair. If I hadn’t talked to Miki. Better yet, if I hadn’t slept at all, I wouldn’t have had a two minute episode. But I wasn’t thinking, and that’s the best excuse ever!

Letting Go of Yourself

LETTING GO OF YOURSELF

30 March 2006

I want to learn something new each day and thanks to a college friend, I was able to pick up some useful thoughts on how life should be lived. I’m not sure if I have read this somewhere in the past but reading it now at a point in my life when I am contemplating certitudes is a road sign telling me to take my chances in life and see where it leads me.

Thanks Jon!

RISK IT

Leo F. Buscalia

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.

To weep is to risk being called sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naïve.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair, and to try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and becomes nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he’s forfeited his freedom.

Only the person who risks is truly free.

Wow, isn’t that wonderful? It’s like letting go of yourself and letting life take its course. I wish to share this beautiful passage to others because I feel that there are many out there, like me, who have been crippled by the fear of the unknown. The “what-ifs” that haunt every decision that one makes, the reigns that hold one back, the “NOs” to every opportunity to move forward.

Life has been good to me. Many times I say that and many times I have told friends about it. And each time I remember that point in time when I was alone, lonely and lost, I remember being blessed having God on my side. At that time, I had nothing but my faith. The Lord never abandoned me. And I am a living testimony that faith, even if it is the only thing you have, can make you survive even the harshest trials and lashings around.

And because of God’s goodness and compassion, I am compelled to give more and do more for others. And I want to do it unconditionally. It is my mission and my moral obligation to pay it forward. God’s soldiers should never sleep.