I learned...

I picked up this article while I was browsing over the AXN website. I am posting it here so you can also read it in your free time!

"There's a theory that says that the only way we make sense of the world, is by paying attention to the difference between things.

You start your life, and the only person you know besides yourself is your mother – so you recognise her, because she's different from you. And then later on, you realise that there's a male version of her hanging about, so you recognise your father because he's different from your mother.

And so on and so forth, until eventually, it becomes a catalogue of things that are so deeply ingrained in your mind that you don't think about it.

It's a process, you see, that you don't pay attention to any more. Everytime you come across something you've never experienced before, you decide what category it belongs to, you compare it to the other things in that category, and then you decide how it's different to the other things in that category before you stick a label on it.

"Mmm, noodles, this is food, yum, not like rice, not like bread, not like cheese, not like meat, not like spaghetti ... oh, wait, only slightly different from spaghetti ..." and so on"

The article says everything about how I survived the first year of my current job. Here are some things I learned:

1. I learned that when you are in a job like mine, you are supposed to know everything that you have not previously known of. And not knowing is inexcusable.
2. I learned that when your boss asks you to make arrangements for an activity, you can never say it's final until the papers are signed.
3. I learned that memos are written in a certain way that complies with your boss' writing style. Any other form is not acceptable.
4. I learned that Plan A and Plan B should be backed up with a Plan C. Unless Plan A and Plan B were your boss' ideas.
5. I learned that planning sessions can still be conducted while you are already three months into the implementation stage.
   
6. I learned that benefits after being approved and funded are still subject to audit and are still in grave threat of being refunded. And you cannot do anything but subject yourself to the pity of the auditor.
7. I learned that not everything you hear should be construed as truths unless it is in writing.
8. I learned that savings is not a good thing as far as budgetting is concerned.
9. I learned that accounts payable, when incurred at the end of a year are yet to be paid by April the following year.
10. I learned to make "love your job" as a mantra.

But I've managed so far, and I might stay far longer than I did in my past jobs (I was able to hold a teaching job for three years!). It's not really a dream job, but there is not much structure so I get to do things my way. Free-spirits! should they be thankful or what?

Monkey Thoughts

I was reading through sacred space last week and I came across this phrase – monkey thoughts. It refers to pictures, tunes and stories clambering all around us, chattering and distracting us from our centre. Cool term, I suppose; one that actually bears truth in my current lifestyle. Occasionally, I would get this feel of inadequacy despite the many things that I should be grateful for – a job that pays the bills, techi stuff, two houses I consider as homes, a loving family, food on the table, the good life! Yet, there is this emptiness that comes from not doing more, giving more and learning more. So I make a mental note of things to do: pray more, write more and read more. Then as I proceed with the day’s preoccupation, I get sidetracked. It takes shape in every opportunity it could take.

Just this Friday.

Woke up late, no time to say my morning prayers, hurry to the bathroom. While in the bathroom, I could hear the radio playing a Christmas song. My mind wanders off to making plans for Christmas. Hmmmmm, what’s it gonna be this year? I have to plan my Christmas gifts! Should I bake or should I just buy goodies? Where will we be spending Christmas this year? …. The planning continues until it is abruptly interrupted by the realization that it’s almost 8:00am! Friday today…I still got 30mins but I have to come in early so I could also leave early. Speaking of Friday, what should I do this weekend? I think I will do crepes, I love crepes! I’ve been meaning to make that apple pie filling for days…. I should be doing it this weekend…

Arriving at the office, I complained about the heat, it’s “ber” month but the air is humid as it is. Will we have rains tonight? I’m early (!) and to think it’s nearly 8:30am and there are only two of us in our division of 7 employees! Turns out two were absent, one called in to be late and the others, well, I wouldn’t be hearing from them until a little later. Small talk before working on the official matters of the day, we heard of news about the health condition of an officemate, she’s got breast cancer but cannot proceed with chemotherapy treatment just yet because of complications. She’s a good person, why should she be inflicted with such disease? Boz and I should pray for her tonight…

I turn my computer on, no internet connection just yet. I look through some documents on my desk for something worthwhile to do but found nothing. It’s one of those days again, when I am required to do the monotonous because that’s what I get paid for. I tinker the computer, still no internet connection. Sigh… I think this means I should be working now. I look for the articles that I needed to post on our web blog. Leaf through the pages… sigh, boring, boring, boring, boring…but essential, essential, essential. O well, it’s necessary, so be it. Now I am remembering my MBA research paper! When will I ever get to finish it? Make a mental note to call the dean’s office before the start of the semester. How many times have I told myself to do this? Forget it! just make sure it gets done this time! While reading through the business proposals for posting, my thoughts drift back to my paper, how can I improve it? Should I change my topic or should I proceed with what I have already started? Why am I not the least interested about it, anyhow? Continue encoding, didn’t even notice the server was already up until my cellphone beeped and a provincial staff asked why I was not online. Muttering… you again? Why do you always have to ask me questions? Uhm, because she has to?... because she is new? And because it’s my job to answer those questions? Hahahahahhaaha! Driving me crazy again. But it’s part of the job so I just have to do the breathing exercises to feel better about the whole thing.

Lunch! Alas! time to go home! Scorching heat, why of all time did I forget my umbrella? Well, at least I’ve got my sunglasses! Actually, two of them stuffed inside my bag! Silly me! The hubby gave me this bundle of money to be deposited to a business partner’s account in LBP. Gave me instructions, am I just being edgy or is he bossing me around? Grarrrrr! I hate going out of the office when it’s hot, I hate going to the bank to deposit other people’s money, I hate, I hate, I hate! But I’m going to do it anyway…

Go back to the office. I am late! By one minute! Wow! How odd is that? Entered the office and announced to everyone of my hapless state, which just made them all laugh about it. Finish the last of my encoding for the Guimaras article, do the layout. 1:32pm, I think I should be going to the bank now. Asked permission to go to the bank. Went out, wearing shades, still no umbrella. Why did I forget that umbrella again?

In the bank, I learned that I filled out the wrong form so I had to it over again. It was off-line. What? Will you say that again? So you mean I get to wait until the system’s online and my interbranch deposit be accepted? O well, I think I can handle it. Look for a place to sit down. Now my mind is idle again. It wandered through the faces of the people inside the bank, to the Muslim ladies who crowded the counter waiting for their names to be called. They had to be told a couple of times to sit down because their standing does not help. My attention is diverted to this Pfizer guy. Is he too neat to be straight? Hahahhahaha! Then to the San Joaquin depositors who were told to just go back next week since it was almost 3pm. Wow! Was that bank employee even thinking of the added cost of his suggestion? It’s a good thing they didn’t leave because their names were called 10mins later.

I was served at around 2:45pm! Went back to the office to finish off my web blog entry. I finished my work by 4pm. Still got time to download additional stuff before Miki arrives. Surfed the net, idle time, idle mind… wandering off again. whew! The rest is history!

So, it happens to me everyday, getting entangled in my daily dose of monkey thoughts. And what do I do about it? well, I get immersed and I get lost. And I end up with the same dilemma of the day that passed. There is this emptiness that comes from not doing more, giving more and learning more. So again, I make a mental note of things to do: pray more, write more and read more. Then as I proceed with the day’s preoccupation, I get sidetracked. It takes shape in every opportunity it could take…

In Dreams

Saturday night I woke up not finding Miki by my side and when I leaned over to check on my son, I saw them both huddled together. Was Miki sleep walking? He must have felt me stir so he woke up and explained. He dreamt that Boz died! It was so vivid he said that it woke him up. And when he did, he checked on his son and snuggled beside him.

It must be traumatic dreaming about your son dead, I am just lucky I haven’t had that dream yet. I wouldn’t really know how to react if such dream visited me. Which brings us to the question of how dreams are made?

I googled dream and it returned almost 188,000,000 hits! Wow! So much for a boring topic, eh? Everybody’s got a take on the subject. For me, well, I have my personal interpretation of it too. Actually more of interpretations. Now, I am not an expert on the matter and the closest I got to really learning more about the subject was through a research paper I wrote in college. It was way before the internet access stage of my life so I only had the books in the library to fill my curiosity on the subject. My paper must have been good as it landed me a 1.25 mark! Either my paper was substantive or my writing skills just got the better of it. But actually the grapevine had it that my professor was rather amorous at that time which made him less of a terror that semester (thanks to Cupid!). Anyways, that was years ago and I could not even remember the details of that research, hahahhahahaha! Excuse the outburst. Well, let me just write about what I think of it now, okay?

I have this belief that what your dreams tell you depend on the emotional state you are in at the time of the occurrence (i.e. happy, sad, bothered, angry, centered, busy, etc.). Everything that follows is based on my personal experience and should not be taken as seriously as possible.

1. Happy Dreams. When I am happy, I usually have varied dreams but they are all pleasant and they add to my good mood. I don’t bother rationalize a happy dream, I just like to think that because I was happy, my brain was getting creative, picking and pairing up good faces with memorable places, putting them on a new intertwined setting.
2. Nostalgic Dreams. I don’t know why some people say when they miss someone so much, they dream about them; it’s never the case for me! I have never dreamt of my father (+) or my brother (+) or my past crushes for that matter, when I am thinking about them in my waking moments. Occasionally, they would visit me when I least expect them to (i.e., when I don’t think of them at all). They just come, not to talk to me about some special message or something but to just accompany me in whatever happens in my dream. These are pleasant dreams too, those that make you smile and sigh when you wake up. I welcome the visit as it reminds me of how I felt about them when they were still around. The loved ones are missed and the crushes, well, they make me smile.
3. Horny Dreams. Hahahahahha! I can’t believe I’ve had them. Now that I am married, I find them cute, hehehehehhe. They usually visit me when I haven’t had much intimate relations (wow, what a very formal thing to say, hahahahhaha) with my partner. I rarely have them now, you would have guessed why. But when they do, they would tickle my senses and leave me feeling sexy when I wake up. I never really had many to tell but they usually involve me and my partner even before I got hitched.
4. Haunting Dreams. Back then, I had this recurring dream which infused the people and places of my past interacting in the present setting. Usually they visit me when I’m angry or empowered by some negative emotion. I remember being subjected to a dream exercise by a friend of mine so we could decipher what it was all about. I was made to lie on a couch, close my eyes and visualize my dream. Then he proceeded to ask me these questions about symbols and what they meant to me. We wrapped up the session with the analysis that the dream’s been haunting me because it provided me with the comfort that the past provided. Something that I was holding on during times of distress. Made some sense. Did a rain check and now they haven’t been around.
5. Crazy Dreams. They are these bits and pieces of information that I pick up from the conversations or the happenings of the day that have been interconnected in the style of Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. They are entertaining, out of this world. They usually visit me when I hear or experience something interesting, made a mental note about it but completely forget it by day’s end because of my preoccupation for the day. (This perhaps is what happened to Miki. Earlier that day we were talking about this little boy, same age as Boz, who almost drowned on a pond. Then Miki’s brain changed the background and placed us, the whole family, into a similar story. Scary huh?)
6. Scary Dreams. Hmmmm, never had them lately. On second thought, I never had them for a very long time, actually! But I remember having them when I had high fever. Sometimes, they immobilize me. Other times, I had to be awaken because I was sleep talking too loud.
7. Teary Dreams. Sometimes, when I’ve repressed way too much pain, I am visited by dreams that make me shed the tears that I deprived myself of. The dreams didn’t really have any relation to what I was repressing but still it gave me the chance to relieve myself of some burden that I was keeping all bottled inside.
8. Empty Dreams. There are days when they just don’t come. Those nights when I just fell asleep, woke up the next morning with no recollection of what preoccupied my mind in my sleep. But since a busy day was ahead, I put off the rationalization part and move on with what’s ahead.
9. Intuitive Dreams. They visit me when I am well aware of my being, when I am not preoccupied with stuff and when I am not emotionally charged. These dreams come to me to forewarn me of events to come. Usually, they leave me with a feeling of anticipation of something about to happen. And in most cases, they come true! Unfortunately they don’t visit me anymore.
10. Flying Dreams. They say you don’t get flying dreams when you reach a certain age. Hence, they don’t visit me anymore. But those dreams, when they visited me, usually came when I wanted to escape from something. The wind touching my face left me with a sense of freedom from any care or responsibility.

Strange as they can be, I like my dreams as they are. The happy ones I don’t get to remember when I wake up, though the happy feeling lingers for a while. The nostalgic, teary and scary leave imprints that do go away with time. The horny, are dealt with in more creative ways than one. The crazy, I get to talk about with whoever cares to listen. The intuitive, flying and haunting, are missed. And the empty dreams, well, they leave me wondering what they could have been.

My, am I not glad my brain’s still at work even as I sleep. (“,)

Boinked Again ?!?

You made my day again, jumping at everything I say without brakes! Every word ringed in my ears. Made me close my eyes, compose myself before saying anything for the fear of sounding too strong for you to handle. Then after a lengthy justification from my part, you just responded with a curt okay… smiled… and went on with your affairs.

There I was... stupefied... and before I could fully digest the severity of the situation, some strange thing tickled my brain and sent me laughing my heart out.

It’s not the first… I fear not the last. Hay… you make my day!

Boink! Stone on the Head

The next time you decide to change your mind, don't turn to me... I wouldn't want to take part in another charade of pleasantries. I have been meaning to be agreeable, complacent undisturbed, not wanting to give in to some forceful surge of emotions. But you continue to push me to the edge, coax me into crossing the line and now I am all bottled up.

So I close my eyes, take a deep breath, count... one... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... nine point one... nine point two... nine point three... nine point four... nine point five... nine point six... nine point seven... nine point eight... nine point nine... nine pointe ninety one... nine point ninety two... nine point ninety three.. nine point ninety four... nine point ninety five... nine point ninety six... nine point ninety seven... nine point ninety eight... nine point ninety nine...ah.... i think i'm ready to let it go.... TEN!

That's to feeling better after the worst of times.