Back Again

I'm going back to work after two days of house arrest due to allergies. So much for asking the heavens for a reason to stay at home. It's happening again, me wanting an excuse not to go work, only this time, fate gave me a very good reason not to.

So, what to expect?

Well, memos have to be sent, proposals followed up, and some preparation for tomorrow's trip to Boracay. Work of course! Miki would have wanted me to beg off so we can go home to Bacolod and enjoy the long weekend. He almost came close with my allergy attack. But then, that was just an almost and I still have to go.

This post is boring me already, so think I will have to stop now.

Now I AM in the office. And I am so full of negative energy right now. Left the house already feeling this way with the nanny not saying anything and banging things after I asked her to prepare my son's breakfast. i feel heavy thinking about my trip to Bora tomorrow and what it's doing to our planned family vacation to Bacolod for the long weekend. Miki's been looking forward to this, a reason to break free from stress at work. but i'm blowing it, by actually consenting to doing my work duties. i feel heavy because i wanted to go, to really be doing something at work. that i am actually seeing my worth in this job, at least for this project.

i feel heavy that i wasn't here in the office for two days and they encountered some problems with the coop, because i was not able to disseminate last meeting's minutes to the persons concerned, and because action was taken on a loan application with the bookkeeper, the credit committee and the business manager, all of which were not present during the BOD meeting, approved it. and the vice-chair, completely forgetting about it too.

i feel heavy that even if i am finding meaning in my work, i am still depressed. that i am still wanting a way out.

so i am back to my old self... just as i left it.

Post Lenten Season Distress

Right when everything was getting back to normal, everything just fell apart for us at home, the refrigerator broke down, leaving us with more than a week without frozen foods and ang coooold water. The rice cooker broke down too. For some reason, it just conked out and we had to go back to cooking rice on the stove for the mean time. Worse, because of the ailing problems in the watershed and the increasing number of people tapping, legally and illegally, in to the water system, water hasn't reached our faucets for two weeks now! We've all been trying to keep our cool about all these household mishaps, but mhen! isn't this two weeks late for fasting and abstinence?

Some little voice inside be is saying, na! merese kay sang semana santa wala kamo nagpangalaba kungdi subong pinentensya man kamo gyapon! bwahahahhahahaha! (that's what you get for not joinig the Lenten reflections, extended penance!).

I never really view God as an Angry God but I know that he is entitled to do so especially when people consciously do offensive things. I myself am not on the A-list of sorts when in comes to fulfilling my religious obligations and I know I have a lot to catch up on. Unfortunate events make me sit and think of how far has my present life brought me away from my faith. The hearing of Sunday masses have been put off week after week, the daily meditations became thrice a week, once a week and sometimes, even forgotten. The morning prayers completely abandoned, the prayer before meals, the Angelus, the 3 o'clock prayer. The only thing that remained somehow is the evening prayer, which I share with my son.

I've been wanting for so long to be the devout Catholic that I have been but somehow, matters of consequence steers me farther and farther away. Sad, sad, sad...

Yet, life's still been good for missant people like me. But for how long?

The Pleasure of Being TAGGED

Thanks to Feng, I am enjoying the pleasure of writing about my current playlist. I have always been a song person and I have a song for every mood I have. You'll see so much of my personality in my songs of choice Here it goes:

1. Moon River composed by Johnny Mercer and Henry Mancini. My all time favorite! It first got my attention when I was watching one of the season-enders of Sex in the City. They played the song during the parting scene (I think, or somewhere close, it’s been like more than 4 years, that’s why I’m not that sure) of Carrie and Mr. Big. Then he gave Carrie two airline tickets and he said something like “one is for you when you get lonely (so she can fly and see him)”… “the other one is for me when I get lonely.” Aaaaaws…. Melted my heart. The next time that it caught my attention was when it was used as a musical score in the Philippine screening of the Korean Telenovela Lovers in Paris (loved it too!). Since then, I have kept the song in my heart. It's so nostalgic and yet so calming to the ear. I always sing it to Boz to put him to sleep.

2. Somewhere over the Rainbow music by Harold Arlen and lyrics by E.Y. Harburg. Again, another classic. The song played during the rolling of the credits in the movie Meet Joe Black. I've seen a few other films which included it in its musical score. I love the guitar rendition the most. I have always played the song in my mind, always calms my thoughts.

3. I Offer My Life by Claire Cloninger and Don Moen. I have a confession to make: I always cry when I sing this song. It's my ultimate prayer actually, total submission and admission of my fallibility as a human being. Singing it humbles me down all the time. I’ve been schooled and raised a Catholic. But after college, I was practically on my own which is why every chance I have in professing my faith, I pour my heart into it.

4. La Vie en Rose by Edith Piaf. I've been listening to Michael Buble lately and I accidentally downloaded this song both the instrumental and the one with the lyrics. I’ve heard it many times before especially Sundays when my dad would tune in to the classics on the radio. It's playful, that's what I like about it. When I feel jovial, I would sing and change the lyrics to wing… wing wing wing wing wing wing, wing wing wing wing wing wing… mimicking a violin string being strung. The lyrics are in French or something and since I don’t memorize it, I do my own interpretation of the song. Silly huh?

5. Biyahe Tayo! Lyrics by Rene Nieva. It’s the Department of Tourism jingle which was sang by various artists. Sharon was still slim in the video. She’s joined by the APO Hiking Society, Jessa Zaragoza, April Boy Regino and many others. We've been ferrying a lot between Bacolod and Iloilo ever since. And always, the boat played this song on board. Always wringing in my ears after every trip, in a good way though. Boz likes to watch the video and sing along with it. He makes me sing a lot of it too including the jingle for Nature’s Spring Water which is also being played on board. What a mom would do to indulge her son!

6. I'll Be Seeing You written by Sammy Fain, the lyrics by Irving Kahal. One of my more morbid choices really. Again from my Michael Buble collection. It’s my song for my dad actually. Although he is gone, he’s still very much alive to me. This song reminds me of our good ole days together.

7. I Love You You Love Me popular song by Gary Glitter. Yes, it's from the Barney Cartoon Show. I never really liked Barney until my son got hooked to it. Barney haunted us for quite sometime. Thank goodness Boz outgrew it and we’re now able to see something else on TV! But if there is something that we haven't outgrown it’s this song. Boz loves it and he asks me to sing it with him at times and he likes it when I hug him real real tight at the end of the song.

So there goes my 7. I’m tagging along my friends Alvie, Tintin, Shella and May to do the same!

One Day More

Yes, I know I am not the only one and definitely I won't be the last to have a say about this whole long weekend that passed. And as I embrace the eventuality that 11 hours and 31 minutes from now (and counting) I will have to go back to reality along with the rest of the country, I would like to recollect my thoughts and immortalize the holiday that was in my memoirs.

We (the hubby, me and Boz) never really got the chance to spend weekends at home as we were always moving from one house to another to quench the grandparents' longing to pamper the first apo in the family. The 4-day holiday afforded us the opportunity to stay put for once and enjoy the comforts (and pains) of just staying home. It was exhilaratingly fun to be doing everything on our own without the househelp and the nanny. It was just us: Miki, Boz, me and Miki's two aunts (old maids past their seventies).

A Few Firsts

For the first time, Miki and I went to the wet market together to buy food stuff. We took turns preparing the meals. But always, I was in charge of meriendas and washing the dishes. Hate soot! I don't mind washing the dishes but to actually clean the soot out of pots and pans, really a taxing job for me (considering my OC tendencies, hehehehehe!) But I didn't have any choice really. Can't leave it to the hubby. I know for a fact that I'd get it done better and faster than him (OC gid ya, hahahhahahaha!).

Entertaining Ourselves
The 4-day holiday also allowed me to catch up on the movies that I've missed and the TV series that had been waiting to be seen by me. Of course Boz had his usual TV time in the mornings, Nick Jr. of course. I actually had a chance to watch The Backyardigans (finally!) with him. Now I understand why my son likes it so much (and the hubby too, funny!). The characters are so cute: Pablo, Uniqua, Tyrone, Austin and Tasha, like paper dolls or somethings. I didn't quite approve of the flow of the episode that we watched. They played pirates, hunted for treasure and when they found it, a really big diamond, they decided to bury it where they find it for the reason that they can't split it up. Bringing the treasure back to wherever and selling it was not an option because other pirates might now that they have it, hijack their ship or something and take it from them, And so they decided to just bury it again where they found it and labeled it with a different name. Huh? so so so so so uncool! I mean values, people, what values were you supposed to teach my son there? Oh well, it was enough to keep my son busy for a good 30 minutes so I really can't complain there... just venting out the little voices in my head hehehe. Boz also watched Cars the movie, as in so so many many times! Also Finding Nemo and Maisy and the usual Nick Jr. shows. As for us, we watched Lost and Gilmore Girls series and we were supposed to watch Las Vegas but the player couldn't read it so we just settled for Children of Men (left my head wringing, I mean the plot was okay but the way it was developed, well, never mind). We watched Wild Hogs. No, it's not an X-rated film, it's actually PG13 with John Travolta, Tim Allen, William H. Macy and Martin Lawrence doing some fun of themselves as middle-age bikers. We also watched Children of Men which really fell below my expectations for a good watch. During my free time, I watched Friends with Money and Elizabethtown. I'm the conversation-type and relationship-type of viewer and these two films didn't disappointment me a bit. I was also able to finish Harold Robbins' Piranhas which was just lying around the house. I guess, after reading a Mario Puzo mafia story, everything else pales off.

Fun Outdoors Too!
The holiday also allowed us, especially Miki to spend more quality time with Boz. We bought this pool from SM which we installed in our backyard. The sight of it in a box got everyone excited but after the fifth 15-gallon water container that Miki and I had to carry and pour into it, I had no more smiles to give. 8 containers and the pool was still half full. Never mind, our body mass would be enough to raise the level to three-fourths! hahhahahaha. I was right of course.

Thursday and Friday, we took a dip in the pool. Saturday we had to pass because of the rain and Sunday, we treated the water and put it to rest. We took a dip again this morning, just Boz and me. And tomorrow, the water in the pool will find its way in the plant boxes in the backyard. And the pool back inside its box to await another long weekend.

Reality Creeps
Sunday morning I planned on going out to buy the ingredients for my valenciana. It would actually be the first time in three days that I would be seeing other people other than my housemates and the neighbors who I see from our second floor window. Laughed a little when I realized that it's been a while since I last combed my hair, powdered my nose and picked up an outfit to wear for a trip out of the house! We left Boz at my in-laws and walked our way to the wet market making a stop at the ukay-ukay stalls. Miki got a silver tab Levi's jeans for only P350.00!!! Didn't see anything to my liking but I was also able to buy denim shorts for Boz. We went to the market, fetched our son and headed back to our sedentary abode.

After lunch, we took a nap, then merienda, then Miki cooked dinner, movie time, then... and then there is today! One more day and back to reality. The house help and the nanny were back by lunchtime. The family cook was also back so we didn't have to worry about lunch just in time with the trouble we were having with our fridge. Little by little, reality was creeping back into my system. Then we had to go out this afternoon for a birthday party that Boz was attending. We were human again, actually interacting with the rest of the world.

Holy Day Reflections
And now, as the day comes to a close, I say a prayer of thanks for the holiday that has been. I missed my usual visita iglesias, via crusis, du-ao and Easter Sunday mass this year. And I know I didn't do good in the spiritual reflection aspect of the whole Semanta Santa thing either. But just the same, I am grateful for the semblance of a real nuclear family, just us- Miki, Boz and me (the old ladies were there but not really there, if you know what I mean). It was an opportunity for discovering each other's strengths, testing each other's patience, loving, cuddling, living the good life. We were enjoying good family time. It's a start, really.

Last Thoughts
The 4-day holiday did us well. Another would just make us restless already so 4 is just a good number. Perhaps next Sunday, I could ask Miki to join me in hearing mass... perhaps next year he will join me not only in the visita iglesias but the whole Semana Santa activities as well. Baby steps... in time, all will be well.

Wanting but Not Wanting Enough

I felt a lump on my throat receiving the news of Johanna’s forthcoming resignation. It’s like having all those years of working together and knowing each other flashing before me, and I feel some sadness on the eventuality of the parting ways with a colleague friend.

Looking Back

My dealings with Jo started way back in college when we were still serving our respective colleges as council officers. I remember attending the National Convention of Council Officers in Los Baños; she was also there along with one other officer from her college. She was the quiet type so we didn’t really get the chance to talk much. Had I not seen her after that my last memory of her would be of a lady, quite slim, wearing a smile, carrying a duffle bag and boxes of buko pie which she bought in Laguna and transported back to Iloilo for pasalubong.

Meeting Again

Our paths crossed again during a job application stint. She was jobless and applying like me. While we were waiting for our written exam, we had a chance to talk and exchange info about our whereabouts after college. I learned that she quit her job in Cebu to go back to Iloilo and that she’s married and with one child. Then, I was still teaching and well… expecting a child.

There were only four applicants vying for the three vacant positions offered by the office. Judith (another applicant whom I will grow a fondness for in the future) was sure to get a provincial post (she’s actually a returnee after she took a leave, exited and was rejoining the organization). The two remaining positions were for another provincial post (to do field work) and a regional post (to oversee provincial operations). After the second interview, it was clear that it was down to Jo and I and the decision would have to be on who shall stay close by and who shall be doing field work.

A Little Rejoicing

Perhaps, because I was from the academe and I didn’t really have that much experience doing field work, I got the regional post and Jo was detailed in province, my position being of a higher salary bracket than hers. Of course I was happy about it! Given that I would have to leave my mother in Bacolod, given that I was expecting a child, I got the better deal out of the situation.

Work had been easy for me, being in the regional office, overseeing things, collating reports, coordinating activities to name a few! I would see Jo during provincial monitorings, plannings activities and trainings and always she was her usual quiet self. Although she would share about how happy she was being in the field and really affecting the lives of our clients in the communities, I still think at times that she, in a way, resented the fact that she had to accept the provincial post because she didn’t have anything going on when the offer came.

Finding Out the Truth

During one of those head-office request thing, I came across our appointment papers and the results of our hiring process. I found out that indeed Jo got better scores than I did in terms of work experience, educational background and even in the panel interview. (All the while I thought it was my panel interview that got me my job.) Jo was favored over me for the regional post. But then after the panel interview, there was another one- the final interview with the director. I got interviewed first, asked not why I was the right person for the job but what was I bringing in into the organization and how I would feel about being given the regional office post. Something about how the interview went reassured me after it was over that I was getting the regional post, which I certainly did.

Three Years into it

When I accepted my job, I didn’t have enough experience to begin with. I didn’t know how to organize my own action planning, struggled with the rudimentariness of documents preparation for procuring supplies, deal with office personalities. But I’ve managed to educate myself along that way. I’ve been fortunate to be having a job which allows me have a hand on things.

There are days though when I wished I was given the provincial post. That I was also given the change to work with the clients down in the field, meet with stakeholders, spearheading activities, giving directions to projects. I would feel envy every time I would go to the provinces to conduct area visits when the clients would talk about how their lives were being transformed by the assistance given by the provincial staff. And I could also feel the pride that it gave to the staff after all the hard work that they are doing to effect changes in the community-level. It also makes me feel like an outsider of sorts, being there, checking how things are doing and the next day, I was back in my air-conditioned room while the staff and the client continue to sweat it out for another day.

Wanting a Way Out

I’ve been restless and bored most of the time now and I’ve been looking at the clock more often. Except for the usual quarterly reports and the occasional activities, there is really nothing to be excited about my work. Couple of times I tried to apply for work elsewhere, even tried to apply for a scholarship. But then, I guess, in the principle of The Secret if you really want something, you have to make room for it in your life. I may have been wanting a way out but I wasn’t really ready for the trade-offs and opportunity cost of working away from home.

Wake-up Call

Reading Jo’s letter of resignation made me reassess my current situation at work. Jo is leaving…and I am still here. Jo recognizes the pros and cons of her decision and is taking the bold step of leaving her current job to try her hand at being an entrepreneur. And while her decision is final, I still am here, wanting to leave but never really wanting to. I’ve reached my three-year moratorium with my current job and I’ve been stretching it out a little longer. The restlessness is building up but no opportunity has presented itself. I am still here, waiting and hoping that what I am currently doing is all to prepare me for something big that is yet to come. But maybe the reason why it isn't coming is because I have not been making myself available for it too. I have to do something, right? I have to make room for it in my life. So I have to make up my mind soon…Soon…

The OR Issue

I am posting here my comment on Walter's blog entry entitled I will demand for an Official Receipt (OR) originally posted at www.istambay.wordpress.com (click the title of this post to follow link to the post in his friendster blog).

It goes...

This is going to be a long comment so bear with me...

I sense a lot of angst in your post, I'm not really sure where it's coming from but just the same I would like to put my head into this whole OR issue of yours.

I'd like to make a comment on a few lines in your post:

" I will demand for an OR at all times. " - I agree with you. And while you are at it, check if what you have in your hands is really an OR and not a Delivery Receipt or a Sales Invoice. Asking for an OR is as much a responsibility as it is an obligation of the consumer.

"...punitive Value Added Tax (VAT) and the E-VAT" - this one I didn't expect to hear from you. VAT and EVAT is relatively the most efficient way of collecting taxes because it is tagged on consumptuon. I do not subscribe to the belief that it is a dagdag pahirap sa mahirap. Our tax laws speak about our financial viability in the world market. Because we are improving in our tax collection and our taxing system, we are able to attract more investors into the country. Last year alone, we were able to collect more taxes, hence more budget for government. By government, I don't only mean our legislators (God knows where they spend it!) but National Government Agencies for the most part. Our government employees are getting their long overdue 10% wage hike because government is collecting more. EVAT is just the additional 2 percent, which in its stricter sense should not be passed on entirely to consumers (as in manufactured goods). I belong to an agency of government which monitors the prices of basic commodities and so far, though the trend is moving up, if not steady, prices have not gone higher that 2 percent on a monthly comparative basis.

"It goes to the business owners’ coffers in forms of “profit” from profit. Which literally means - stolen money!" Businesses are bleeding. People are buying less, scrimping actually, making ends meet. Even businesses are thinking twice before they increase their prices because if they do and demand is inelastic, they have stocks in inventory, creditors to pay and money sleeping in their warehouses. All the increases are due to inevitable fluctuations in the world market: the exchange rate and the cost of crude oil. So it is not just the whim of the businessman to increase his profit. Because the increase is as much a loss to him as to the consumer.

Maybe I am seeing things in a different perspective but I still stand to my belief that yes, indeed, it is the obligation of every customer to demand for an Official Receipt to help its government in its effort to revenue collection. After all, you can't really be expecting anything from government if you are not doing your share.

Falling Out of Trust

Recently, I fell out of trust (as opposed to falling out of love???) with a very dear college friend. He was actually my thesis partner. I admired him for his confidence and streetsmarts. Although he did not do well academically, I always thought that he would do well after college.

After graduation, we saw each other a couple of times and he would share with us his stories about his work in this English tutorial center for Koreans. I would learn that he was already earning P25,000 plus in basic salary (while I was earning P10,000.00!) plus additional bonuses and perks being a manager of sorts of the tutorial center. He would also share about his close friendship with his students, one he fell in love with and another who sponsored him to visit Korea (which he was not able to avail he said because he was to lazy processing his papers before his visa expired, such a waste... or such a lie?). He also had student friends who wanted to open businesses in the Philippines. Couple of times he would ask Jaja, another college friend, and I to come up with business proposals complete with studies, costing and all which he could give to the Koreans for funding. Ja and I never came up with one, though, as we were also busy with our respective preoccupations.

Just last year, F asked me to help him look for a space to lease in Bacolod. He left his job at the center, he said, to open one of his own with Jimmy, a student-friend, to finance the endeavor and ensure the coming in of students from his homeland. F offered us a commission on the whole space rental thing. The offer indeed was enticing, sending us up to our toes looking for prospective sites. Then we learned that one of Miki's relatives had exactly what F needed.

We did an ocular, negotiated for a fair price and closed the deal. Renovations began a week after the signing of the contract. We were already counting on the steady source of additional income that we hoped to enjoy for a good whole year.

However, a few glitches happened along the way. F told us that Jimmy's money hadn't arrived yet from Korea and he needed to get the construction going. To ensure our milking cow gets fattened up, Miki made arrangements for F to open a credit line with one local hardware owned by a family friend of Miki's. F also needed someone to process his documents to formalize his operation and so I asked Tetet, my high school friend to do the dirty work for him. Then Jimmy incurred another cash problem and so F asked us if he could get his supply of paint from Miki and ship it to Bacolod. Out of goodwill, and again to protect our milking cow, Miki agreed.

Nearing towards the end of the two-month construction period, however, something off happened. F was nowhere to be found! He promised to pay Miki his credit before the end of the construction but he never did. First, it was to be before the end of the construction period, then he told us that he used the money for something else and so we will just wait until the start of the operation of the tutorial center when he already collects his commission. Never happened. Miki tried calling his cellphone only to find out that he changed numbers. We asked a few people and we learned that he is using a different one. When Miki called him, he sounded surprised, asking how we got his number. Then he told us that he will just drop by the hardware with the payment. Again, never happened. We checked, cross-checked, asked around but all we really had about him was what we already knew. It was a very frustrating time for us - not being able to collect our commission because now Jimmy was the one dealing with the space lessor. We were also incurring a debt which we could have avoided had we knew F's running away from his obligations. Damn!

Somehow, right when we forgot all about our hapless state, I received an email from F:

Subject: sorry...‎

Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 8:55:58 AM

hi! i know that you have been wondering about my whereabouts and if what happened to me. I have been sick since october. I am diagnosed of neuropathy that i have to take a rest and be under medication for a long time. I couldnt walk for almost 3 months because of my foot. My right leg got darker in color and it gave me pain like hell. I am also suffering from the complications my diabetes has brought about. It is really difficult. I how i wish i could do more. Rox, i am really sorry for the trouble i have caused you and Mickey. Actually, i sent a message to Mickey and i dont know if he received it for i havent heard from him for a long time. I asked him if you could wait a little more time and to please take care of our transaction with her [him, actually] aunt. I lost contact with everybody because I lost my phone and i dont have your numbers. Now, i am a little ok though i still feel weak and have to change my lifestyle. Rox, the least i can do now is to let you know that i dont forget the amount i owe you. dont worry, i will try to pay soon. i know you trusted me and i might have lost that trust so i feel sorry about it. Rox please extend my apology to Mickey i want to start communicating with you again. please send me your numbers. thank you.

I read his email while I was out of town and I didn't know how to react to it. I am not one to harbor hatred or hurt feelings for that matter but I also could not allow myself to feel empathy much so forgiveness for the wrong that he has done. I always thought that things like these happen because you allow it to happen to you. Guess that's just what happened to me here.

I feel some consolation though in knowing that I am not alone (bad bad bad!). F borrowed P20,000.00 from Jaja's hard-earned savings too. He tried to borrow from some other friends but they knew better than Ja and me (sad sad sad).

I emailed F back, thanked him for taking finally mustering the courage to contact us and expressed my disappointment at how he handled things. I also asked him not to make promises he can't keep and I gave him all my numbers...cellphone, house numbers, office numbers, even our fax number!

Two months after, still no word from him. Ellen, my doc friend, is already alarmed thinking that he might already be dead. Neuropathy and diabetes are two killer medical conditions and if not treated will eventually cause excruciating pain and eventually, death. Not a happy thought really.

So what happens now? Waiting I guess, for answers, for the phone to ring, for an unexpected visit. Pray not the obituaries but for something good to come. I feel bad about going through the process of un-trusting someone after placing my confidence on a friendship that withstood distance.

Hurts need time to heal and healing is a process. My wish is that in time, we will all come to a resolution so we can finally put an end to the waiting and move on with our lives. That happening, perhaps we can teach our heart to forget and later.... forgive. Until then, there is just hope.