Hang-ups, Expectations, Forgiveness

I was wrong about us the whole distance thing. But that’s okay. In fact, it’s great! I have been friends with Ellen for the longest time that I knew by those actuations that something was going on there. Never had I thought that it had something to do with my hasty marriage. Things had been blurry back then and I had to admit, there were just too many emotions, too many expectations plus the reality that there is no turning back for me, not a chance. Too many decisions and all I had was faith – faith that things will turn out right, faith that I was letting myself into the right situation, faith in the opportunities that was up for grabs, faith in events that were beyond my control, faith in people’s wider perspective of things. It was one of the most troublesome times in my life. And knowing me, not all too comfortable with having someone to share my burden, I took it all in not knowing that I was depriving others of the chance to really prove their friendship with me.

I’m sorry Len, for not giving you that opportunity to be a friend to me. It was not because I was afraid that you would judge me; it was more of the fact that I have been so used to being like this for the longest time that I felt it was the right thing to do then. It was not because I didn’t have faith in our friendship; it was more of me not having faith in myself anymore. I am just not the sharing type of girl.

I feel bad that it had to take a real tough situation for you to come out of it. To finally say it straight to my face, that you were hurt and you felt betrayed. And I had thought of a whole lot of reasons why you have not been answering my messages. And I have to find out just now that you changed your number. I also worried about you, wondered how you had been, but what can I really do about it. When someone does not want you in her life, what really can you do?

Hearing your voice on the other line, telling me you wanted to talk, to just give you thirty minutes, no expectations, I didn't know where to place myself. But I trusted the situtation, prayed that it will be worth our while and a reason to celebrate friendship. And there was us, just like those bonding days in college, talking. There was a barrage of information and feelings that left us not enough time to react to all. There was threshing of hurts and pain. There was no lashing, though, just a calm recount of the past. We cried, laughed, talked and listened. But the most important of all for me was there was forgiveness. And that is all that matters now.

There will be more trying times for us, more issues to settle, more hang-ups to let go. But I hope, that this time, when we deal with them, we will do it together. As friends should.