Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Working for Work

Finally, it's over! Two weeks of doing and redoing my presentation materials and getting rescheduled twice drained out all the energy in me leaving me well too tired to even enjoy my favorite show on TV on a Tuesday night. While it ended in a happy note, I felt a whole bunch of negative emotions during the whole process.
  1. Apprehension. Life would have been easy if I didn't have to think about doing and redoing my materials because of the late submissions and the change in format that I effected if only to capture what my boss really wanted to see during the planning workshop.
  2. Out casted. Unlike the field officers who get to do the dirty work that our job requires, I am detailed at the regional office consolidating reports, reprimanding everyone for not spending their budget, critiquing their reports. And during planning workshops like this, I feel like I am an outcast, not really having a say on stuff that one can discuss from experience. Terms like benchmarking missions, consultancy in pricing and costing, they are all just words to me devoid of the happy feelings that the staff get when they talk about their experience with passion.
  3. Demeaned. I did my best, but i guess my best wasn't good enough... so the song goes. And that was what I actually felt while I was presenting during the planning workshop. Not good enough because I sulked at the copy-paste method and had some figures on the wrong tables. Not good enough because my presentation lacked the analysis that I should have included. Not good enough. not good enough.
  4. Overworked. The bulk of info that I presented during the activity triggered a whole lot of demand from the other bosses. Yes, and they've made their deadlines clear. Notwithstanding my impending travel to Manila next week to attend a national planning thing.
  5. Unmotivated. I get general instructions which I execute in my capacity. Then I get told that I could have done it this way and that. I am asked to justify stuff that I have no first hand experience of. My boss sneaks into my staff meeting and says that he wanted to give some directions because, anyway, we don't really have anything more to do.
But the area visit with the staff provided a diversion. We laughed, talked about personal stuff, shared stories on the way to the area. It was bonding time which made me feel like I'm not an outcast after all. Work-wise, the visit opened doors for potential linkages and resource sharing among the staff.

So now I go back to work. I face my computer, encode stuff, work on presentation materials, follow-up requests, finish some liquidation and paperwork. But now I'm not so sure anymore if my work can still make a better person out of me at the end of each day. It's a struggle that I will hold for the moment. I don't know for how much longer. Unless work becomes more than work, it must be the end of my three-year work syndrome. Perhaps, it's time.

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